This Very Special Edition of Ask Joe Thornton is brought to you by LeNoceur, who used to make hockeydickjokes at http://meltyourfaceoff.net. He now makes hockeydickjokes wherever he damn well pleases.

Salutations, brahs and brah-ettes. A Thousand Games. When you say it out loud like that, it seems like an awful lot. Just about one for every ladyfriend old SuperJoe has permitted to wield his throbbing thrill-hammer of love. But you didn't come here to hear about my love life; you came here for me to help you with yours. On to the questions!

Dear Joe: I consider myself a decent man, but for the past year I have been cheating on my wife about twice a month with prostitutes. We’ve been married for more than a decade and have three young children. We have sex about once a month, only when initiated by her. The thrill of seeing prostitutes and the variation from my usual sex life made me feel better, and I think it’s more honorable than an affair, but it is the worst thing I’ve ever done. If my wife found out it would lead to the immediate dissolution of our marriage. My plan right now is to continue what I’m doing until the children are in high school and college, then get a divorce. Is there another way out of my dilemma?--John

Dear John: I get it, really, I do. Your old lady won't put out. Actually, wait a minute, no I don't get it. Not at all. Wen SuperJoe flashes his pearly whites, the panties drop and that's that. Also, by my math, you are getting laid like three times a month. A MONTH. I cannot relate to you at all. I have nothing against escorts--and my legal team has drafted up a blanket confidentiality agreement just to make sure none of them ever has anything against me--so you're clear on that score with me. But I just can't get over that. Three times a month. If I had a "dilemma" like that (more like, existential crisis) I can assure you it would not have lasted longer than the first month. Because I would be dead. It's true--SuperJoe's finely tuned physique requires regular load-blowing to operate at peak efficiency--that shit gets backed up, it poisons your brain. You either die or start doing crazy shit, like procreating with a woman who doesn't really like having sex with you.

Dear Joe: I love this guy and i met him at summer camp to soon watch him walk out of my life as suddenly as he had walked into it. We are both emo and into the same music and share a lot of the same interests and hobbies and he told me that he loves me and i said it back but now he is gone and i know that if he were to commit suicide i would too, i love him that much and I never thought I would or could love a guy, but i do. Do I make an attempt to get over him or keep hope that maybe I will somehow, by a miracle see him again. He made me believe that he loved me the same way he made me believe he didn’t as he walked out of my life for the last time. What do I do???--TeenDramaQueen

Dear Queenie: Holy shit are teenagers stupid. SuperJoe likes his relationships live and EXTREMELY in-person, but there's this whole thing out there where you can talk to people on computers and shit. With video and everything! You can see your boy's emo bangs, and listed to The Veincutters or whatever depressing crap you're into together, and talk about how the world hates you and compare the different shades of black in your wardrobes. I mean, it's either that or off yourself, amirite? Seriously, though, don't do that. That would be stupid. I know you are suggestible, and also stupid, so I didn't really mean that. It was a rhetorical device meant to underline the ridiculous nature of your so-called problem.

Honestly, I can't really relate to your worldview, and your music makes me puke (SuperJoe is a straight-up ROCK AND FUCKING ROLL kind of guy). So I ran your question by one of my colleagues, who does listen to that crap: Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Briere!

DANNY: Oh, hey Queenie. Look, I've been where you are before. You love him so much, it hurts? You can't imagine your life without him, but you spend all your time thinking about how you can never have him? Every song you listen to reminds you of him, and how you're not with him, or even if you were with him there would probably be some sort of other problem or maybe he doesn't really love you like he said and just wanted to et some action but he seemed so nice and sincere and your heart just feels like a 50-kilo ball of lead in your chest? You gotta do what I do to make the pain go away. And, coincidentally, it's advice that Joe gives all the time: play hockey. No, seriously. It's what gets me through one grey day to the next.

Thanks, Danny. We've got time for one more.

Dear Joe: Five months ago I started dating this girl. We started as friends, then it turned into the most beautiful passionate love I'd ever experienced. However, as time went on, I noticed red flags. I noticed how extremely shallow she was and even a little racist, though she said it was just to be funny. I was ready to leave her. And I tried to, but on that day I tried to leave, she showed me a part of herself I’d never fully seen. She was mature and self-sacrificing. She cried and tried to stay strong and smile and tell me it was okay. That's when it hit me this girl was who I thought she was all along. So we stayed together. But about a month and a half later I found out more things that were deal breakers. She is a chronic, deliberate liar and lies about so many things, big and small. After a long, emotional, midnight conversation I ended it. Then I wanted to die because I felt I'd never be able to love again. Thirty minutes passed, and I felt something strange. I felt I didn't care she was so many things I didn't want. So I called her and we got back together. Since then she has been making an effort to stop being so corrupt. A couple of weeks ago we decided we had to be apart for her to do this. We are on break, though we see each other every day for professional reasons. The strange thing is, every time she smiles or laughs, every time she makes a funny sound or says something stupid, my heart melts again. The moment that beautiful little person walks into my view and hugs me, I crumble and my rational thinking and sound conclusions fall to nothing.--Lost

Dear Lost: Actually, no. Dear Queenie. Did you read this guy's letter? If you keep up with that emo crap in ten years you're going to be him, unable to make basic decisions about your own life and trapped in a crappy and toxic relationship because you failed to build up the mental fortitude to BE YOUR FUCKING SELF AND FUCKING OWN IT. Danny was 100-percent correct--start playing hockey, like yesterday. Learn to skate, practice with your stick. And not one of those pussy no-check leagues. You need to HIT MOTHERFUCKERS and get hit once in a while, too. Does wonders for the self-esteem when you just BLOW UP some slug who has his head down on the blueline. YYEEEEAAAAARRRGGGHHHH. If there aren't any rinks near you, play rugby or football or anything where smashing into people is strongly encouraged. I know you're a lady, so it won't give you a raging boner, but I bet your nipples perk right the hell up. Play hockey, blast some Pantera, and rock out with your vagina out. Metaphorically. In six months, I guaran-damn-tee that thinking about Summer Camp Boy will just make you embarrassed for the sad-sack mope you used to be. Book it.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Who doesn't like it when JoePA goes all BLAMMO and scores with like a minute gone in the game. KABLAM, stop that puck Tim Thomas. Oh, what's that, you aren't going to? Good, because I am Joe Pavelski, son, and this game just got real. The Sharks maintained a pretty goo control of the 1st period through to the buzzer. Things were looking JoePa.

Shawn Thronton and Vandermeer tussled in the second, although I am pretty sure when they discussed this, Vandermeer thought S. Thornton meant like, oh, next week. He didn't do entirely poorly, but he didn't win, either.

Teeth decided he was tired of JoePa stealing all the thunder, so he scored midway through the second. The Sharks were up 2-0 and the game was feeling good. The Bruins were challenging, aggressively checking and pressuring the Sharks, but they didn't seem to be at risk of scoring anytime soon, and that was all that mattered.

Ok, maybe they seemed to be at risk of it a few times. Nemo did fine, ignoring the part where he GAVE Lucic the puck, but some of his saves caused me to hold my breath or collapse back into my couch amazed that he had made the save. It was a little TOO exciting at times, but welcome to the NHL. Sometimes your goalie wants to give you a heart attack.

For that matter, sometimes the team you follows wants to as well, which is exactly what the Sharks did in the third. Remember that pressure I was talking about? It kept coming. The Bruins really did not want to go down by a score of 2-0 and they weren't going to without a fight. Fortunate for them, The Sharks decided to have a REALLY BAD 30 seconds, which allowed Lucic and Seguin to score in rapid succession to start the thrid. It's a game now folks!

 As the hyperbole rained down on Twitter, the Sharks quietly worked to regain their composure. There was still time, you see, and not all was lost. Benn Ferriero was like "Hey guys, I got this" and scored to return the Sharks to a 3-2 lead midway through the 3rd period. Whoooooooo, BENRY!

Not to be outdone, Patrick Marleau proved, with less than 5 seconds left to go int he game the the Sharks CAN score on the empty net, and slammed one in to Thomas' abandoned position to end the game 4-2.

And there was much rejoicing.

Stick taps to the Bruins for noting that Joe Thornton played his 1000th NHL game last night with a video partway through the first. This feat was then further noticed by everyone remembering he's Joe Thornton, and trying to keep him away from the puck. Many congratulatory checks then followed, the biggest being delivered by resident Boston giant, Chara. It's Like getting a bear hug from Douglass Murray, only taller.

AMGZ YOU GUYZ! DID YOU KNOW THAT JOE THORNTON IS BACK IN BOSTON?!! DID YOU KNOW BOSTON TRADED HIM AWAY?! DID YOU KNOW THAT BOBBY RYAN WAS DRAFTED SECOND AFTER SYDNEY CROSBY?!??! DID YOU KNOW THIS IS MENTIONED EVERY FREAKING YEAR LIKE IT HAS NEVER EVER HAPPENED BEFORE AND IT IS A HUGE NEW STORY THE LIKES OF WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN REPORTED ON BY MANKIND BEFORE?!?!?!

Of course you did, because you watch hockey.

Go Sharks. no comments

Holy BALLS.

HOLY BALLS.

So that game started out terrible. It was a lack luster first with seemingly no speed, no finesse and no compelling reason to watch other than it was a Sharks game and I didn't have any paint to watch dry. The first period was so disconnected, from everything, that I really wasn't sure what I was watching. It wasn't Sharks hockey though. I was told that it was "Devils Hockey", which looked a like Minnesota Wild Hockey, which is to say...

Yeah, you knew that was coming. It was just one of the slowest period of Sharks hockey I have ever seen. I was tempted to switch channels because I WAS BORED. I am so very rarely that bored.

The second period started as disappointingly as the first, and was soon made even better by Brent Burns taking down Patrick Elias and scoring him a penalty shot. It went in, in case you're wondering. Just like WOOSH BLAM SCORE.

At this point, I am seriously debating doing something else for the rest of the second, because, oi, it was looking pretty dim. The thought of watching the Sharks slowly lose on Joe Thornton's 1000 game was depressing. Of all nights!

The Sharks are down 2-0, the game is dismal and then...wait, what's this? The Sharks started to play hockey there way. Suddenly the speed was turned on, the tempo changed, and what's this? OMG SHARKS GOAL!!!!!!! By none other than Jumbo 1000 games night Joe! Yes! 2-1 is so much better than 2-0. (Stating the obvious, I know, but at this point I felt like I needed a reminder of this fact.) Suddenly, IT'S TIED! 2-2!

My neighbors probably heard me cheer, but these are the hazards of sharing a wall with a sports fan. Holy crap, we have a GAME! Yeah! Whooooooowhoooa what do you mean 3-2?! Dammit. Aww, man, come on, the Sharks came from behind, it's Joe's 1000th night, this is like.....OMG IT'S TIED AGAIN! JOOOOEEEEEEEEPPPPPPAAAAA! With like 30 seconds left in the game, Joe Pavelski ties the game 3-3.

OVERTIME OVERTIME OVERTIME OVERTIME OVERTIME OVERTIME OVERTIME OVERTIME OVERTIME
AKA, he time period in which I clasp my hands together tightly and make unintelligible noises towards my television. After 5 minutes of sudden death overtime, and no goals, we find ourselves facing one of the most nerve wracking aspects of regular season hockey. The shootout.

Of course, Kovy goes first. GAH, why he is so good. ARGHHHH, and he scores, easily. Curse him and his legit skills! Joe Pa shoots wide. BAH! Parise shoots next and is DENIED by Nemo! SIGH OF RELIEF. Zeus come up next. LOLWUT? A really bizarre off the post, off Moose and in goal from Zeus ties it up. Elias is up next. Craaappppppppp....NEMO SAVES!!!!!!! OMG CLOWE CAN WIN THIS! CLOWE CAN WIN THIS CLOWEVERFIELD SHOOTS AND SCORES!!!! He has like ONE MOVE, but it WORKS! ONE MOVE TO WIN THEM ALL AND IN THE NET COMBINE THEM!

Crazy, crazy come from behind, tie, go down, come from behind and tie again shoot out win for the Sharks, who were in dire need of a win in this, their 5th game of the season.

Go Woolly Jumbo Joe Mammoths!

You dangerous little minx, you

Today @ 4pm Pacific

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This is not my picture. I did not take this, but I am going to share this because it deserves to be shared. After a long downtime after a loss, everyone needs a little pick me up, don't you think? Ladies and gentlemen, the best picture of Tommy Wingels you have ever seen.



You're welcome.

 

 

Bust out those chicken little hats, everyone, because the sky is falling. Four games in, a 1 and 3 record, and despite the fact that the Sharks have 78 games left to play, there is clearly no hope left. Yes, truly, the season is at an end, before it ever really began.

Now, if you rolled your eyes during any of that, GOOD FOR YOU! You posses a thing I like to call "sanity". Maybe even "perspective". No, not the 10 point Roman kind, but the psychological kind that lets you look at a situation and go, "Well, it could be worse. We could be Senators fans." Yes, you have mastered the art of learning to not panic when presented with a disagreeable conclusion based on a small sample size. (The sun will eventually go nova, you know. In like 5 billion years. Better start preparing!)

Look, we all know the season isn't going as we, (the fans), all planned after that AMAZING win in game 1, but it's still ok. Despite what the power rankings may say, the season ISN'T over yet. Hell, its barely started. Yes, the Sharks have ground to make up. A decent amount, given how few games they've played compared to the rest of their division, but it's not impossible. No one wants to see the Sharks get into a situation like last season, but we're not there yet, so let's not collectively lose our minds before it's really time to.

Patience.

Let's see how the team does during/after this road trip. Nothing is carved in stone yet, so, put away those torches and pitchforks for now. Maybe use them for Halloween decorations instead, if you don't feel entirely comfortable putting them away yet. Take a deep breath, calm down, focus. Lets actually see what these Sharks can do before we write off their season. Sure, the Sharks aren't out of the woods yet, but they only just entered it.