In a flurry of stunning news, the NHL dropped a bomb and said that realignment is out next season, thanks in no small part to those smelly jerks in the NHLPA. (Have you been in a locker room? Seriously, febreeze that shit) Sure, the NHLPA came out with a statement citing reasons such as "travel" and "conference parity" as their main objections to the proposed realignment, but that's not the REAL reason they oppose it. Please, you think anyone is going to believe a well worded, well thought out and reasonable sounding explanation of their objections? THIS IS THE INTERNET! Reasonable doesn't fly here. In an effort to help spread their real message, I have been given some supr sekret information, that only really special people, such as myself, are ever given access to. What's more is that I have been authorized to share this information with you. Hold on to your butts, it's about to get real.Opposition #1: ALIENS!
Much like the government, or the military, the NHL has secrets it doesn't want you to know.
Long time readers will not be surprised by this; we have covered the existence of Cylons in the league in the past
, with several models known to the public. (you aren't fooling anyone St. Louis!!!) What if I told you that the Cylon contingent would have been put in mortal peril when realignment occurred? You'd never believe me, right? Good, because that's utter nonsense I just made up to test you. Sneaky right? Well, so are aliens, and they have a lot invested in seeing realignment go down the drain. Space betting on hockey is a ridiculous business, and I don't have to tell you guys twice how much it sucks to get you snarblegrafs on the wrong side of Wizenblat's table. (he will eat your brain with his gobledorfs!!!)Opposition #2: PONIES!
Ponies. Cute, happy, magical, promoters of friendship. But these creatures have a far more devious side to them, one that few see in the rainbow infused light of day.Look at her there, plotting against us all!
Why these rightly colored beacons of false joy want to destroy the league's chances at realignment is unknown, although it it suspected that they are in league with the unicorns. That can't be good.Opposition #3: GRAVITY!
That son-of-a bitch.Opposition #4: THE ILLUMINATI!!!
The Illuminati, that secretive, ancient brotherhood dedicated to, well, just about everything really. If you can mess with it, Dan Brown says they have, or will, so watch out. (They may have also been the leaders of that weird group in Eyes Wide Shut, but it's honestly been awhile since I've seen the film, and I don't really know. It sounds good though and based on what I recall from the movie, they throw one hell of a party.) Unbeknownst to most fans, the Illuminati have infiltrated the NHL at all levels and are working to prevent any changes which would upset the great balance that has been achieved by only showing six to eight of the leagues thirty teams on national television, and allowing the Red Wings to win the Cup every other year or so. These things must remain unchanged, to the marketing power of the league depends on it, and, quite frankly, the Illumanti don't have much else to do these days. Why they refuse to use their powers for good, to act as a force of change, is largely unknown, but rumors speak of dark cults and reanimation. One can only guess at what dark secrets they are protecting the world from, by keeping them held deep within the leagues dank bowels.