You may have noticed a lot less blogging of late. Well, I quite frankly don't have enough hours in the day to keep on top of things here in CouchTarts land, and I doubt we'll be moving to a metric day any time soon. What does this mean for you? It means that you, yes YOU, now have a chance to join to CouchTarts team.

Requirements:

1) Sense of humor
2) Like poop jokes*
3) Be able to ride the highs and lows of Sharks fandom with out getting into the shit parade
4) Poop rainbowsAKSJAKDJKAJDKAJDK!!!!
5) Be a Sharks fan or a close enough approximation there of that you can write amusing stuff about the team, while still being just this side of informative.

Bonus skills:
The ability to spell (which, as you have probably noticed by now, is a skill I lack)
Photoshopping really terrible stuff like this




The pay is zero but the fame** is priceless.

Female applicants encouraged

*see requirement number 1
**fame not included

Don't forget folks, today's game starts at 1pm Pacific time. Early starts rarely bode well for the Sharks, but this does allow all of us political junkies to stare at the returns following the game without feeling guilty for doing so.

This is the last time this regular season that the Sharks and Nucks will meet. Thank the hockey gods, I am so done with this match up. The last game ended in so bitter a loss, I feared for my sanity. In fact, the only good thing that came out of the last time the Sharks and Nucks met was that Mina and I finally got to meet @ryanclassic and @alixiswright37. We didn't have a lot of time to hang out, but they are exceedingly wonderful people and I look forward to the next chance we all get to grab and brew and hand out. As you can see, the evening went swimmingly.

He's only wearing the best hat ever made

Since we cant hang out with them in a pub again tonight, here's hoping the Sharks give us a win instead.

There's been a lot going on in Sharks land lately, Not Kyle being sent back to Woostah, Nitty on a conditioning assignment that has everyone talking, Stalock getting his first start since his leg was sliced open last season, SATURDAY in Stockton with the Thunder, ( gogogo if you can!), White off the IR, Clowe on, Wingles out through at least the All Star Break, Desi's got his bell rung, but seems to be ok, Jumbo's struggles on the Power Play are starting to be acknowledge by coaching staff, and Boyle is finally skating like a man with two working feet again. There is unfortunately little to say in regards to last night's loss the the Senators, other than perhaps that I am quite confident that Liberace's bike seat had way more energy than the Sharks did on the ice last night. (and a helluva lot more glitter). Only Jamie McGinn's flight through the boards is worth mentioning.



It was not the zamboni door, as many have postulated, unless San Jose has suddenly become home to the world's smallest zambonis. The hallway in question is actually the one through which the Sharks enter at the start of the game. The zamboni doors are located, logically enough, behind one of the goals. No blue coats were harmed when McGinn's body came flying through unexpectedly. Dude behind the door didn't even look phased.

Last night's preformance was otherwise pretty dismal. I am guessing that since the Sharks had to use TWO wins to grab the W on Tuesday, they were short on wins last night.

The blown call in Tuesday night's game against the Flames was perhaps one of the worst blown calls I have ever seen in the small sample size of history that I am choosing to remember right now in order to make my point about the call being absolutely, dreadfully, horrible. How a dude 80 feet away is allowed to make a game changing call like that is beyond me. Any call on a potentially game ending goal like that should be reviewable. The loss of the OT win resulted in one less tiebreaker for the Sharks. How can something with that much potential impact not be reviewable?

We certainly have the technology, and Toronto already has a war room dedicated to the very act of reviewing goals, so why not extend  the number of scenarios that can be reviewed? Reviewing every goal would get to be excessive, even in the case of disagreements, but in cases where you wave off a goal for suspected interference, shouldn't you make damn sure it was interference in the first place?

The good folks over at Tonight's Healthy Scratches make a pretty good case for additional plays being added into the currently reviewable lineup. As they mention in their article, Drew proposed a great idea of allowing coaches to use their timeout for the purposes of asking for additional reviews. It's ridiculous that teams have absolutely no recourse in these situations. While I understand not wanting to slow the pace of the game down, it's time that the NHL changed the way they handle questionable decisions, especially on plays that are game deciding.

By now you've all seen the ads. Brightly dressed kids hop hopping it around the screen shouting JUMBACO JUMBACO! And you may also be aware of the new "promo" being run at Sharks games this year involving two minutes and Jack in the Box tacos. (It's wholly uninspired.) The Taco Minute(s). The Sharks score in the last 2 minutes of the second period and EVERYONE GETS A FREE TACO! YOU get a taco and YOU get a taco! IF you text in to the correct number and get a coupon that is.

Well, a few of us got to wondering one night, what, exactly, IS a Jumbaco? We have Taco Torrey, is he a Jumbaco?



No!

Well, then what is?

It stands to reason that a "jumbaco" is a "Jumbo Taco" and we aren't taking size here, folks. We mean a Jumbo Taco.



Infinite Jumbacos. So delicious...

The All Star Game is upon us once more and predictably, people are more upset about who's not going than who is, despite feeling that the game is a horrible idea that's appeal rates right up there with enemas. There's really nothing one can do about snubs, since voting for these things is ridiculously broken anyway, but what we can change is the excitement level of the game. I complied a list of, what I believe to be, some of the most needed and revolutionary changes that All Star Game has even seen. Toss a few of these babies in, and BOOM, you can milk this thing like the Winter Classic.

ROBOTS!
One of the biggest complaint about the All Star Game is the lack of emotional play and player contact. No one really wants to hurt a guy at the All Star Game; it's not very sporting. Everyone knows this is a glorified exhibition game and the winners are the guys who get to go back to work with no additional injuries. So how can we improve this?

Robots. Play the game with robots.

Hear me out for a second. The league makes robots that look like the all the players. Whichever ones are selected for the All Star Game are shipped to the appropriate location and activated via a psychic connection with the player they represent. Each human player, safely tucked out of harms way and off the ice, will then use modified xbox controllers to control the robots and play the game. How great is that?!

The players can slam each other into the boards, check with wild abandon, fight until they bleed, figuratively speaking, throw each other off the boards and skate on their hands. And when the game goes to a shootout, the players taking the shot will use ROCKET SKATES. Imagine, a shootout at 250 mph! That's what you call exciting.


LASER PUCKS!
Not the glowing puck of old, but actual laser pucks. Pucks. MADE WITH LASERS. And they players us laser sticks! It'd be like playing with lightsabers. They're be set to stun of course, so you can incapacitate your opponent but you can't chop of heads or anything. That wouldn't be very sporting.


THE CHIRP OFF
Remember this commercial?

It's time make this an actual event. Sure, this applies more to the Skills Competition than it does the actual game, but how awesome would it be to watch these guys square of in a sudden death round of yo momma jokes?

DINOSAURS!

What? Dinosaurs are cool.

In a flurry of stunning news, the NHL dropped a bomb and said that realignment is out next season, thanks in no small part to those smelly jerks in the NHLPA. (Have you been in a locker room? Seriously, febreeze that shit) Sure, the NHLPA came out with a statement citing reasons such as "travel" and "conference parity" as their main objections to the proposed realignment, but that's not the REAL reason they oppose it. Please, you think anyone is going to believe a well worded, well thought out and reasonable sounding explanation of their objections? THIS IS THE INTERNET! Reasonable doesn't fly here. In an effort to help spread their real message, I have been given some supr sekret information, that only really special people, such as myself, are ever given access to. What's more is that I have been authorized to share this information with you. Hold on to your butts, it's about to get real.

Opposition #1: ALIENS!

Much like the government, or the military, the NHL has secrets it doesn't want you to know.

Long time readers will not be surprised by this; we have covered the existence of Cylons in the league in the past, with several models known to the public. (you aren't fooling anyone St. Louis!!!) What if I told you that the Cylon contingent would have been put in mortal peril when realignment occurred? You'd never believe me, right? Good, because that's utter nonsense I just made up to test you. Sneaky right? Well, so are aliens, and they have a lot invested in seeing realignment go down the drain. Space betting on hockey is a ridiculous business, and I don't have to tell you guys twice how much it sucks to get you snarblegrafs on the wrong side of Wizenblat's table. (he will eat your brain with his gobledorfs!!!)





Opposition #2: PONIES!

Ponies. Cute, happy, magical, promoters of friendship. But these creatures have a far more devious side to them, one that few see in the rainbow infused light of day.

Look at her there, plotting against us all!

Why these rightly colored beacons of false joy want to destroy the league's chances at realignment is unknown, although it it suspected that they are in league with the unicorns. That can't be good.


Opposition #3: GRAVITY!

That son-of-a bitch.


Opposition #4: THE ILLUMINATI!!!

The Illuminati, that secretive, ancient brotherhood dedicated to, well, just about everything really. If you can mess with it, Dan Brown says they have, or will, so watch out. (They may have also been the leaders of that weird group in Eyes Wide Shut, but it's honestly been awhile since I've seen the film, and I don't really know. It sounds good though and based on what I recall from the movie, they throw one hell of a party.) Unbeknownst to most fans, the Illuminati have infiltrated the NHL at all levels and are working to prevent any changes which would upset the great balance that has been achieved by only showing six to eight of the leagues thirty teams on national television, and allowing the Red Wings to win the Cup every other year or so. These things must remain unchanged, to the marketing power of the league depends on it, and, quite frankly, the Illumanti don't have much else to do these days. Why they refuse to use their powers for good, to act as a force of change, is largely unknown, but rumors speak of dark cults and reanimation. One can only guess at what dark secrets they are protecting the world from, by keeping them held deep within the leagues dank bowels.

700 Sharks wins in Franchise histoy

500 games as a Shark for Joe Thornton

3 straight wins.

Big numbers, awesome numbers, but the night's best number?

2 points.


The Sharks now sit atop the Pacific division by 3 points, still with games in hand. 2012 is the year of the Shark for sure.

AMGZ I M A WINNAR!!!!