Last Friday amid the boringly dull seas of the NHL Draft, I awoke from a mid afternoon nap to find that the Sharks had actually done something interesting on a day dedicated to dull. The recently resigned Devin Setoguchi had been traded, along with prospect Charlie Coyle and a first from this year's draft (2011) for Minnesota's D man Brent Burns and a second in the 2012 draft. The reaction was immediate and fierce. Fans immediately reacted with sadness, and some revulsion as Seto's resigning had been announced a day prior. The thing is, Puck Daddy had gotten it right, when he published an article calling the 3 year deal "3 more years of occasional brilliance." Seto has oft been considered trade fodder, and the Sharks have needed D badly for sometime. While I worry that the inclusion of Coyle was a slightly overpayment for Burns, I think it's a sound trade over all.

Seto is great, and he's not really the type of guy you want to see skating against you, but he is very streaky. When he's hot, he's great, but when he's not, you find yourself wondering if he showed up to the rink realizing that there was a game that night, or if he was looking to spend the night hitting on puck bunnies, only to realize he had to work that night.

It's a loss, but one the Sharks can recover from. The Sharks lack of D has hurt them in years past, and is part of why they have yet to make it to the promised land in all likelihood. If moving Seto is part of what helps them secure a solid blue line beyond the paring of Boyle and Murray (arguably just Boyle but Murray has been much better as part of that pairing), well, I'm ok with that.

It's that time again. The Stanley Cup Finals have ended, the awards have been handed out, free agency will soon be upon us, leaving us with the least exciting part of the summer; the NHL Draft.

Were I, a member of my family, or a friend eligible and up for drafting today, this would be far more exciting. Until they start drafting women who can skate but have this issue with stopping in, I'm not likely to be personally involved in the draft anytime soon. Yet, for some strange reason, every year I am still compelled to watch. I missed last year's draft on account of work, which was a blessing in disguise. Day one of the draft makes pulling teeth look fun (and fast) by comparison.

So, with the day upon us, me with free time, and the start rapidly approaching, I submit to you the following suggestions for how to deal with the mind numbing power that is Draft Day 1.

1. Don't watch. No really, find something, ANYTHING else to do. It will be boring, I can pretty much guarantee you of this.

2. Learn to make soap

3. Tan some leather

4. Fold 1000 paper NHLers

5. Try to figure out what the hell the Flyers are doing

6. Take up knitting

7. Get started on that novel you've been talking about

8. Oh hell. Just drink.

Make it a game. Take a shot/drink/sip when:

• A trade is announced on Twitter BEFORE it's announced at the Draft
• Bettman looks like Golem
• A draftee is picked higher than projected
• A draftee is picked lower than projected
• Versus or TSN analysts make either of the above scenarios into 15-30 minutes of useless filler/conspiracy theories
• You get bored
• You question your will to live while watching
• You ask yourself why you're watching this?
• Anytime a kid has issues putting on his new jersey
• Anytime a kid looks horrified at who selected him
• Anytime a kid gives an awkward post drafting interview
• Anytime you want to punch Mike Milbury in the face, even if he's not there (the feeling just overtakes me sometimes. That happens to everyone, right?)

Happy draft day, everyone!

By LeNoceur, who sometimes makes dumb hockey jokes over at Melt Your Face Off.



Catching crabs can be sexy. Just ask the millions of viewers of Discovery Channel's "Deadliest Catch" docuseries, which features literal boatloads of manly men doing manly things. Many fans are enamored of one or more of the rugged seadogs who helm these big boats. I'm here to provide the definitive ranking.

How, you ask, does a straight guy have the qualifications to rank the sexiness of a bunch of other, presumably also straight, dudes? The answer is simple: situational "flexibility." Those guys spend weeks, even months, cooped up together in close quarters, with nary a lady for hundreds of nautical miles. You just know there are some lonely nights out there on the open water. As a veteran of an all-boys Catholic high school, I can totally sympathize, and judge. So, here are your Top 10 All-Time Deadliest Catch Sexy Captains.



10. Elliott Neese. Elliott is a newcomer to the show this season, as the rookie captain of the Ramblin' Rose. At 29, he's the Justin Bieber of the group, and the only passable twink in the bunch. Elliott prides himself on working his crew hard. He's also got a perpetual chip on his shoulder, and everyone knows that the hottest lovers are those who feel like they have something to prove.


9. Johnathan Hillstrand. A classic bear, rugged as they come. While not possessed of traditional good looks, Captain John has a winning sense of humor, so long as your sense of humor revolves around bags of flour and fireworks. Captain John also helms the only ship in the fleet with an onboard sauna. Haaawwwwt.



8. Keith Colburn. Who wants a mustache ride? While his hairtrigger temper and nasty chewing tobacco habit might be a turnoff to some, Keith is unquestionably the most financially successful fisherman in the fleet. Now, I'm not saying you're a golddigger, but...when you need a new pair of long underwear, Captain Keith's your daddy. DirtySexyMoney.



7. Derrick Ray. This one's for all you sub bitches out there who like to be TOLD what to do and how to do it, preferably while being verbally humiliated. That's not everyone's turnon, I'll grant you, but if it's yours, well, Derrick will have your panties wet with the very first biting criticism of your sorely lacking technique, you dumb bitch.



6. Rick Quashnick. For you sensitive types, there's big ol' teddybear Captain Rick. Now, I know you're really too nice to try and steal him away from sweet Donna, but you can at least fantasize about being cuddled by Captain Rick. He'll pet your hair and tell you how nice you smell.



5. "Wild" Bill Wichrowski. Wild Bill has a gruff exterior, but underneath it you can tell he really cares about his guys. He's a tough cookie, but once you get past that facade, a sensitive, generous lover lurks underneath. Also, that HAIR. Just thinking about my fingers wrapped up in that glorious mane...nevermind. Carry on.



4. Tony Lara. The main thing about Captain Tony is those shimmering blue eyes. They give him an air of vulnerability and innocence. Couple that with the fact that he's a sailing and fishing veteran who has never run a crab boat before...well, guys, this is the perfect project lover. He's experienced enough not to just blow his load at your first flirtatious glance, but not calcified in his ways. Spend a few hours with him every weekend, and after about six months you can turn him loose as a lovemaking machine. The rest of the world will thank you for your service.



3. Blake Painter. He took over the Maverick after Captain Rick retired. Look at those cheekbones! This is a boy you definitely won't be embarrassed to wake up next to, or show off to your friends. He's probably too conceited to really get the job done right between the sheets--I'm betting he's a wham-bam-rollover-snore kind of guy--but man, oh, man, for pure eye candy he's tough to beat.



2. Jeff Weeks. Remember Captain Jeff from the Billikin? The ponytail, the easygoing attitude. Captain Jeff will light one up for you, and then melt you away in a 12-hour tantric marathon that will leave you simultaneously exhausted and completely refreshed.



1. Sig Hansen. For some reason, whenever Captain Sig appears on my TV screen, the opening bars of George Michael's "Father Figure" play in my head. Maybe it's because he's a man not given easily to affection, like my own father. Or maybe just because he's drop-dead Scandinavian gorgeous. This ruthless Viking will take advantage of your own daddy issues, and plunder your shores at will.

A few days back word came out that Niclas Wallin, aka HAMBURGAH, was moving back to his native Sweden to play there. He will be captain of Luleå HF and we wish him the best of luck in his continuing career. Fan reaction to his leaving looked a little something like this:



His cap hit was too big for most people to be extremely sad to see him go. You may be wondering how a guy making 2.65m was too big a cap hit, but most fans I know were, and are, of the opinion that it was too much for him. He contributed, but not enough to justify his salary.

Today it was announced that Jamel Mayers would not be resigned. The dressing room will have to go back to only having Patrick Marleau's epic brows to bow down to.
Fan reaction looked a little something like this:

As far as I can tell, most fans like Mayers, but weren't entirely certain what he brought to the table. He could throw down though, and his massive eyebrows will be missed. His cap hit was 600k this past season. He was slated to hit the UFA market, which means his costs were going to go up. Seemed a decent enough fellow though. Sorry to see your time in teal was so short, Maven.

It was also announced that Trent Yawney would not be returning as assistant coach, and is seeking a head coaching gig in the AHL. He has never made a secret of the fact that he wishes to return to the NHl as a head coach in the future, and this is apparently the route he feels he needs to take to do that. Fan reaction looked a little something like this:

His cap hit is unknown, but he left of his own accord, and we wish him well.


Then came word that Scott Nichol would not be resigned. This was the fan reaction to that news:


NOOOOOOOOOOOOO Not Scotty Nichol! Nichol City is the best! Desi has been slated to be his likely replacement, which Nichol seems fine with, but I think I speak for the majority of fans when I say we'd loved to have kept him in team another year. He plays hard, works hard, and is this tiny little ball of hockey fury that could take down Douglas Murray if he really wanted to. It's not that Desi doesn't deserve a chance, he has earned one, but not Scotty Nichol is sad, sad news.

*all numbers care of capgeek.com

The Prettiest Movie You Haven't Seen But Really, Really Need To See Right Now Edition

(Hockey is over...unfortunately. So now we all need something to do to keep us occupied between now and when hockey starts up again in October. This is where I come in! Each week, I'll find something non-hockey related to keep you distracted until hockey starts. Or at least that's the plan.)

I really don't watch a lot of movies. In fact, you would be horrified by the number of movies I haven't seen. (E.T., the first 3 Indiana Jones movies, Goonies, Jurassic Park just to name a few) I just don't have the attention span to sit down and watch a movie on my own. My lack of movie experience was always a point of contention with my ex and he worked diligently to get me to watch more movies.

One of those movies he was very insistent that I see was The Fall. It's directed by the same guy who directed The Cell (You know, with Vincent D'Onofrio? Or Vince Vaughn? Or Jennifer Lopez. Right! That movie) and Immortals (with Henry Cavill, who I will marry one day I'm sure of it (but probably not)). The Fall is simply one of the most visually beautiful movies you will ever see, right on par with Hero. You should watch the trailer. Right now. Seriously. I'll wait while you do. (Like most trailers nowadays, this one gives away too much of the plot in my opinion. My recommendation is to watch the trailer on mute with something classical like playing in the background. On that end, I recommend Beethoven's Symphony No. 7 which is what's playing in the trailer. (I liked starting with this part at about the 4 min mark but it's your call))

Amazing isn't it? Here's some more evidence of how beautiful the visuals are.





Tarsem's use of color throughout the film is spectacular and the locations are right out of a story book. But the visual appeal is not the only reason that this is one of my favorite movies. Without giving too much plot away, the film centers around Roy, a Hollywood stunt man, who has been hurt in a stunt accident and a young girl Alexandria in a hospital in LA. Much of the action takes place in the story that Roy tells Alexandria about  5 outlaws and their plot to kill the evil Governor Odious. The story is well crafted fantasy and has an original flavor that if often lacking in movies today.  Lee Pace, who you might remember from Pushing Daisies (which was taken from us far too soon), does a fantastic job as Roy but it is Catinca Untaru who really steals the movie as Alexandria.  I love that most of her dialogue is unscripted and most of her reactions are spontaneous.

I wish I could tell you an easy way to watch this movie.  It's not streaming on Netflix nor is it available for rent on iTunes.  I'd offer a viewing at my house, but plane tickets might be more than just finding a copy to purchase.  I promise you it's worth the time and money to watch. And if you disagree, I'll compensate you for your time with a beer next time you're at a Sharks game.  Just trust me and watch this movie.

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Here were are, game 6. This one's for all the moolah. Or maybe not. No one is sure. No one outside of Vancouver, anyway. I think the general sentiment surrounding this series for everyone who is not a Bruins fan is "Dear Hockey Gods, END IT NOW," with an end to the series being more desirably than any specific winner.

There's been a lot said about this series, most of it not very nice, and while I have made my position known, I just want to say this; it's not personal. Not from me, anyway. I have no issue with Canucks fans at all. As a Sharks fan, I think it's reasonable, nay, responsible of me to say "screw you guys!" to the team that knocked us, (because I am soooo part of the team),  out of contention. And since the Canucks can't meet the Wings in the finals, villain, thy form is whale. But should you win tonight, I will congratulate you. No matter how much we, as fans, may dislike the team that hoists the Cup, it is a feat, and for that, it deserves congratulations.














Unless you're the RedWings.