...Thank you all for coming here today.
Many of you know me from my commercial work with Joe Thornton of the San Jose Sharks. You know me as a puppet. A pawn. A dummy. Buts I am here to tell you that I am more than that. I am a man with thoughts and ideas; ideas which I think could very well change the world. But I am but one man, and I realize I have to stat small and work my way up. I need to start somewhere where I can immediately make a difference, somewhere that will let me prove my worth to you and the rest of the world. So, it is with great pride and great determination that I announce my candidacy for the office of Governor of California.
My platform is simple; bean burritos for all. I like bean burritos and you should to. A bean burrito in every household is my goal and I will not stop until that goal is accomplished or I die trying. Taco Bell burritos will not suffice. No, I am going for quality burritos. The type you can find at those tiny hole in the wall taquerias that taste so good you're sure they're giving you heat disease as you eat it. Bean burritos shall be our path to financial and social salvation.
They will save our schools, our budget, our environment and our infrastructure. They will create jobs, they will prevent business from closing, they will bring us jet packs and flying cars. They will lead us to the future, and I shall lead the way if you let me.
Thank you and bean burritos bless the great State of California.